Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Thank you Sperm Donor

I have made peace today with a small part of my life that centers around Miss T. 

I could be mad and hurt for the rest of my life at her sperm donor. I could go though the long drawn out process off making him pay when he wants nothing to do with her. So to save me the headache and heartache. I have CHOSE to just Thank Him!!

Yes say what you want, but this is best for us. Miss T has many people who love her and care for her. we have a great new man in our lives who loves use more then anything. 

I want Miss T to be happy and have a wonderful Live. I can't give her that if i am always in the back of my mind wondering about what her sperm donor is and not doing, and why he doesn't want to talk to her. This way I can just focus on her and Little Man, but also not have the extra stress.
( i am already dealing with that extra stress).

In a simple Letter to him, I thank him for giving me Miss T. and that I chose to just thank him instead of being upset and mean to him. I wish him the best in his life. Cause he will never know the wonderfulness of Miss T.

Like i have said she is very well loved and happy little lady. She has brought much more joy and love to our family. She is amazing, loves her brother, and hard head little girl. I am very Blessed to call her my Daughter.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


You know something happen to me this week that got me thinking, What IS Friendship?

I always viewed friendship has having a person or people you can turn to talk to, share ideas and dream, talk out problems, create a bond and enjoy time with. and I still do.

IN the the last few years I have had people walk away and I have walked away from So called friends. I recently thought I had made a new friend but then quickly figured out she was not all she made her self out to be. special when her text said" i was "NICE" to you". Really ?! that is what you call friendship just being "Nice" to someone. WOW i guess i missed the memo that as a grown up that what counts as being a friend, OH wait it only is when you self centered. Got it ! On to my next thought.

I never been one to have a million friends but I always had my close friends and Best Friends. MY Best Friends Live in different States, back in my home town I have a few friends, and Then in this new Social Media I have FB friends I have never meet and may never meet.

You know I think a big part of my issue now in making friends as any adult is i hold people to higher stander like i did in the Army.

Only people who have served can understand the bond that is between service people. These are people you train with day and Night, You talk to, joke with with swap stuff out of MRE's, you trust your LIFE to these people. I am not saying it the perfect friendship, but it a very strong bond.

I have quite a few people I served with on my FB, some I deployed with: others we where all stationed together for years. I have Have Vets who served with the Unit i was with for the first few years of my time in the Army and because of that patch and how we feel for it gives us a bond.  I would go back to war with these people and stand with  them against the enemy once again. I cherish the bond I have with my fellow vets and Service people. It is something most people will never understand.

If civilians could feel what Military people feel for each other, I think many people would treat others better then they do now and slow down and enjoy life. I do understand there is always going to be people who no mater what are self centered, nasty, hateful.

I am not changing my View  of what friendship should be or Lowering my standers.  And once again to those who have stood by my Crazy Ass, I thank you and love you.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Just Keep swimming

2 months ago I become mommy to 2 wonderful kiddos Little man and Miss T. Well the last 2 months have not been a piece of cake.  So much readjustment for everyone. Learning about  Hypothyroidism in an infant, and for the first month every other day a dr appt or blood test. Car ..... we will get to that in a min.

I have Wonderful family helping and there to talk when i need to and I can never replace them. MY red head sister and Miss T will always have a special bond since my sister got the honor to be the first one to hold her after she was born and I was in recovery. Little man Loves his sitter so much, but you can tell there are days he doesn't want her around or tired of her crying cause he goes " Mommy the baby is crying!" like i couldn't hear her LOL. Miss T has changed so much in 7 weeks from the time the dr told me about her Hypothyroidism and we started the meds. and yes I broke down crying I felt/feel bad my baby girl has this. Since I didn't know much about at first I was scared and not sure what would be in store for her. Now i know and feel a little better but it still hurts to see someone so little have to deal with all the blood draws and side effects to meds, but I have Faith. She is showing me how tough she already is and she going to be one little fighter.

Trying to explain to little man why we can't go to McD's or the zoo for a while cause the car died is hard. It does suck to have to be at the mercy of others. I guess this the universe  way  to keep teaching me to ask for help. Well I have news for you universe 1 out every 100 times i ask for help no one is there and keeps me scared to ask for help. I swear I do my best to not over do it and lately I feel bad for it but I don't know what else to do. and there has been a few that have helped me and I am so grateful to them. But for the 3rd and final time Helga the passat went to the shop and didn't come home. UGH!!!!!!  I really think the people who sold me the car even though i asked the right questions did some shift under hand crap to her just to sell her. Now she is going to the Junk yard and to Car heaven. At least i she got me around for a year but it was kind of rough at times.

Well as for me...... I am a ball of mess held together by thin strings ready to break at any time.. Being locked up in a house with no other adults is not good for me. And I sadly will talk anyone's ear off who will listen to me and then I walk away feeling bad for it. I would love to have a boyfriend but not seeing that ever happening again. I will admit i am jealous of people and the love they have, I am over here with nothing but a trail of pain and  heart break. I been trying so hard to work on myself  but you don't know what you need to work on if you can't be around people and socialize, So I still don't know what to fix.  Sigh, I know alot of you will tell me to keep my head up and the right person will come along, but if i could have you walk in my shoes for a week you would understand just a little why i feel like i do.

Yet with all this going on and yes I have days i want to lay down and give up. I don't I just Keep Swimming. Cause it not about me, I have my wonderful kiddos to help explore the world and make sure they become great people. I am trying my best and some days i don't think my best is that best.

I tell my babies we may not have a "daddy" to love us and we maybe broken but we are small and a good little family.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Last Year

Wow other year has past. SO many Lessons learned both the hard and easy way. A lot people Left and I have made a few new friends.

I am so grateful for all the help I have been given this year from so many people. If it hasn't been for the VA helping us get a place to live, I could not image where Little man I would be right now. I am not saying the Last year has been easy far from it, But I am grateful for everything I have had help to get and have gotten on my own.

I have learned to enjoy being by myself and doing things on my own, not having to wait on people or try to make everyone else I am hanging out with happy. The only other person who i worry about making happy on a daily bases in Little Man, and he always is happy. When he is not here I do my best to get out of the house and do something, most of the time it just taking in a movie by myself. A friend at work always ask me if I Am going alone and i tell yes cause at least i can enjoy the movie in Peace.

Both our Birthday parties where failures in the sense I planned huge parties and no one came, But still good cause people we loved came to be with us. Next year small group get together with people who care about us.

I really love my family with helping out with Little man when i need a break or had no sitter ( which happens a lot). I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me. Also to be there and listen to me gripe and give me pointers when i need them. Just goes to Show no matter how old you are you still need your parents wisdom when you can see the answer your self.

I have so many hrs in the last thinking about my life and where i have been. I have put a lot of my past to bed and moved on it from it. I am not going to win awards for anything I do in my life I Am not prefect but I do try to live my life the best i can and make as many great wonderful memories with little man.

He too has come a long way this year in his speech and only in sleep does he stop talking. He loves Batman and super heroes. He loves being with Mommy and helping me when he can. He loves his grandparents, aunts and uncle. MY boy has such a big heart and it kills me to see him so sad when he talks about his " daddy". He just wants a man to love him as much I do.

I know One day a guy will walk into our lives and Love us more then we will ever know, but till then I will keep doing both rolls as mommy and daddy and enjoying every little spare min I can get with him, even if falles a sleep on me getting dinner LOL.

Well for the New year I Am going to find a job that is not in the Retail world LOL, get my butt out and make new friends, Little man will start preschool, I will get back in the gym, and keep making memories and enjoying my time with Little man.

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Past Year

Well the past year has not been easy by any means, but I have been making it though. I have had a lot of rough times and a lot of good times. I have had people walk out of my life and I have made new friends.

I have made a ton of mistakes but learned a lot too. I see how blessed I Am even though I am are struggling. I have a crazy 3year old who loves me like crazy and fur baby who loves me too. Yes things could be better but I am happy and that is all that really matters.

I have a Job it is not the best job in the world but in these rough times it is a job and one I just got Promoted at. I have started my own business and working to get more customers, and I won't give up.

I have said it before and I will say it again, Thank You to all who have stood by me though my crazy mood swings and crying like there is no tomorrow,  who have helped in watching My little man so I can work and do the right thing, Who love me for ME, and not turning and walk away when it so easy to.

To those who have given up on me, You have no clue what your missing.

Here is to the Next year and the Adventures it will bring!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The past year

    Over the past year little man's and my worlds have been shaken up a lot, But now it seems to be settling out even in the face of moving again. 

   In the Last year Little man's personality has really bloomed. My little social bug enjoys being around people and making new friends. He loves going to the zoo, running around at the park, driving me crazy, helping me clean the house ( and making it a mess).  He as gotten to spend lots of time with My family here in AZ and he loves them all. I can see my brother in him when My brother was this age (lord help me).  I can't believe how well he speaks and amazed at how he sees the world. He makes me so proud and I love him to death. He is growing to be a great little man and I hope to keep helping guide him to stay that way.

Now as for me, I am still working on me but have learned a lot about my self  and the people I can truly count on. I still have ups and downs but not has bad as before I went to the VA and let them help me. I am finally getting help I need between meds and Soon PTSD treatments. If it wasn't for the VA helping us get into a transition housing who know where we would be right now. I have wonderful Family and friends cheering me on. Yes things have not gone as plan but I still have my goal of a Fed job one day and so i will keep working to that goal. 

I have days where i hate being alone and by myself with no other adults to talk to but I am getting use to it. Yes I talk to much when i meet new people but It is out of nerves and i am trying to work on it.  But I Am a very strong, hard working, fun loving, love to learn and caring person. I have learned I don't need a guy to be happy, but would like to go on a date. I have become a sales person for Scentsy and trying to do my best at it to give us a better life. I can see a whole new future for us. A man may never be apart of our lives again but we are happy with it just being us. I am also just fine with him being my only child, for he was a blessing and true miracle for me. 

Thank you so much to all who have helped us over the last year it has not been easy but  I am grateful for you all =)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Technically still homeless...... Read to Understand

Ok I know what your all thinking but you guys have a place to live right? Well here is the deal while Yes we have a place to live that is our own, then again it is not our own. We live in transitional housing that the VA pays to help give Homeless Vets a place to get back on their feet and be able to move out on their own. We can stay here for Up to two years. and in this time i have a lot a goal to try and reach personal, by saving, getting a better job, and school.

A little info on where we live, First little man and I are the youngest ones here and was the first family to move to this site. The Organization is call Esperanza En Escalante  they help give homeless vets these few places to live. they have two sites one by the air force base and the one I am at kind of in the middle of  the city.

There are other vets here and all male I am the first Female vet for this site too. All the rules are written Military style, we have curfews but can get passes to stay out over night. Every Thursday the case worker here come and checks to see if we are keeping our places clean. It does have a military over tone to it. But we are free to live our lives as long as we stay with in the rules which are nothing crazy. So it is nice.

The reason VA still looks at us as Homeless is cause we are not paying the rent on our own, The VA is. and for some of you, you know I had a hard time swallowing that is what I am a Homeless Vet, but i am thankful for finding a The VA homeless Worker that i found, he has helped get us in here, if it was for not going though   this path who know where little man and i would be right now.

So yes I am still Homeless in the Eyes of the VA, but we have a safe warm place to live till we get on our feet and completely on our own. =)