I am not a fan of it. I know Life is full of Unknowns. But right Now I have a ton of it and it is making me crazy. I don't know when i will get my own place for Little man and me. I don't know how long i will have to struggle to find sitters on the weekend so i can work, I don't know if DES will help me out with childcare, food stamps. I am having a hell of a time trying to get us both on a schedule that will be nice. I don't know how i am going to hand being in a house with just me and little man, and the list goes on and on.
I know it not the end of the world but the anxiety of it all is getting to me and i feel like i am losing control, i feel like am already chasing everyone way already and i have not been back home very long. I just want something kind of stable is that to much to ask for I guess so. =(
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Dear EX....
Dear Ex,
You are worthless and not deserving the title daddy or father. You are just the the guy who gave me my wonderful Son. Little man asks for you and it breaks my heart cause he doesn't understand you will never see him again, because your are self center and a child. You can't even call him cause I hurt your feelings, Really are you 12 years old and can't be a Fucking Man. Oh wait you will Never Be a Man after what you did to me. MY son will not turn out Like you. He will strong, good to women, outgoing, gentle, and sweet. Everything your not. I see i am the right choice moving back to Arizona, I have great male friends That will be better role models then you are. I can teach him anything a dad can. And If I have no clue I have many friends and family to call on for help. It kills me to see you do this to a Third kid, but I know in the end you are not meant to be a father.
As for me, I have scars and tender spots that may never heal completely. The scar on my forehead is the one that brings the memories back so easily. Of all the nights I thought "this is it, I may not see morning or my son again." All the nights of taking a beating by your fist, whipped by Apex Pipe to the point I was going to pass out, Hitting me with anything you could find, and Last Hitting me and hold me at gun point. Secretly that night you held the gun to me then to your self wish you had pulled the trigger you had it on yourself, then you would be out of our lives, it would be easier to deal with little man asking for you. I regret Not having you tossed in jail for what you did to me. But for all the stupid decision I made the right one the day I ran out the back door fearing for my life and having the cops there when I came to get little man. When I found out you had broke 2 of my ribs it sealed all my choice and decisions for me, that it was time to leave Casper and not look back. People ask me how I did not know you broke 2 of my ribs, it was easy when the fight or flight is always on you just become numb.
Out of all the People who have hurt me in my life I Truly Hate you, others I have forgiven and moved on, but you I will always hate. Not just cause of the hurt and pain I have been though but the pain hurt your son will have to deal with growing up. But I am already thinking a head about that and when I find a guy worth being in my life he will be worth being in little mans life and be the father and Daddy you will never be to him. I am dealing with this well Being open and Honest with what happen has helped me heal, maybe you should try that sometime it really helps. I wish you would never pop in my thoughts and i know over time that will happen but for now, I just deal with them and tell my self I am a Better person with out you and always will be!!!
You are worthless and not deserving the title daddy or father. You are just the the guy who gave me my wonderful Son. Little man asks for you and it breaks my heart cause he doesn't understand you will never see him again, because your are self center and a child. You can't even call him cause I hurt your feelings, Really are you 12 years old and can't be a Fucking Man. Oh wait you will Never Be a Man after what you did to me. MY son will not turn out Like you. He will strong, good to women, outgoing, gentle, and sweet. Everything your not. I see i am the right choice moving back to Arizona, I have great male friends That will be better role models then you are. I can teach him anything a dad can. And If I have no clue I have many friends and family to call on for help. It kills me to see you do this to a Third kid, but I know in the end you are not meant to be a father.
As for me, I have scars and tender spots that may never heal completely. The scar on my forehead is the one that brings the memories back so easily. Of all the nights I thought "this is it, I may not see morning or my son again." All the nights of taking a beating by your fist, whipped by Apex Pipe to the point I was going to pass out, Hitting me with anything you could find, and Last Hitting me and hold me at gun point. Secretly that night you held the gun to me then to your self wish you had pulled the trigger you had it on yourself, then you would be out of our lives, it would be easier to deal with little man asking for you. I regret Not having you tossed in jail for what you did to me. But for all the stupid decision I made the right one the day I ran out the back door fearing for my life and having the cops there when I came to get little man. When I found out you had broke 2 of my ribs it sealed all my choice and decisions for me, that it was time to leave Casper and not look back. People ask me how I did not know you broke 2 of my ribs, it was easy when the fight or flight is always on you just become numb.
Out of all the People who have hurt me in my life I Truly Hate you, others I have forgiven and moved on, but you I will always hate. Not just cause of the hurt and pain I have been though but the pain hurt your son will have to deal with growing up. But I am already thinking a head about that and when I find a guy worth being in my life he will be worth being in little mans life and be the father and Daddy you will never be to him. I am dealing with this well Being open and Honest with what happen has helped me heal, maybe you should try that sometime it really helps. I wish you would never pop in my thoughts and i know over time that will happen but for now, I just deal with them and tell my self I am a Better person with out you and always will be!!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Promise MY Little Man
Dear Little Man,
I am sorry your farther has not called you in a few weeks and you keep asking for him. I know right now you have no clue what is going on, but you do know mom is here for you. I am go to work for a few hours but i always come back to get you. I am sorry your farther puts him self a head of you and has done so since you were born. But always Know this no matter how mad you get me, how much i want to kill you, or how much you drive me crazy........I Love You very much and would not give you up for the world.
I Promise you that we will make it and have a wonderful life. And some where down the road WE will have a daddy who will love us both and be very happy. He will teach you how to work on cars, camping, fishing, and to shoot. You will go to him for advise about girls cause it to weird to ask me.
And if that never happens I will teach you to camp, fish , and shoot. We will make life time memories of having fun and great adventures. I will make sure you always have good male figures in your life to talk too for those times you feel weird talking to me. We will be find and you will turn out to be amazing MAN.
My Little Man you will understand one day why we had to leave Wyoming and your farther behind. I love you so very Much.
Love Your Mommy
I am sorry your farther has not called you in a few weeks and you keep asking for him. I know right now you have no clue what is going on, but you do know mom is here for you. I am go to work for a few hours but i always come back to get you. I am sorry your farther puts him self a head of you and has done so since you were born. But always Know this no matter how mad you get me, how much i want to kill you, or how much you drive me crazy........I Love You very much and would not give you up for the world.
I Promise you that we will make it and have a wonderful life. And some where down the road WE will have a daddy who will love us both and be very happy. He will teach you how to work on cars, camping, fishing, and to shoot. You will go to him for advise about girls cause it to weird to ask me.
And if that never happens I will teach you to camp, fish , and shoot. We will make life time memories of having fun and great adventures. I will make sure you always have good male figures in your life to talk too for those times you feel weird talking to me. We will be find and you will turn out to be amazing MAN.
My Little Man you will understand one day why we had to leave Wyoming and your farther behind. I love you so very Much.
Love Your Mommy
My birthday goals for my 30th
I want to have a good paying job that allows me to care for wyatt and me on my own.
start saving money
Be living on in a place just my little family (that includes my dogs)
Get in shape and lose 15-20lbs
Be HAPPY
Lean to Relax and enjoy life
Make fun memories with Wyatt
Have More Mommy alone time
start saving money
Be living on in a place just my little family (that includes my dogs)
Get in shape and lose 15-20lbs
Be HAPPY
Lean to Relax and enjoy life
Make fun memories with Wyatt
Have More Mommy alone time
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
This is ME
OK since i left my ex I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I Am and I think i am coming close to finding out and this it what i have come up with so far.
I am a mommy to a very active, handful, very handsome, and what a blessing little boy. I am out going, lovable, caring, fun, crazy, Imperfect, daydreamer, smiling, loyal, hard working, hopeful, worrying person.
I love the outdoors, camping, hiking, swimming, skiing, fishing. I can shoot any type of weapon, I can change my own tire and rebuild it if i must. I can change my oil, make beer and wine, BBQ better then most guys, and make some killer smoked ribs.
I don't do my hair, wear make up often, or try to stay up with what is in style.
I like dates that are creative and not just movie and dinner all the time. I am still a kid at heart and like to color and eat with my hands. I love animals and would own a zoo if i could.
I am not in to having a million pairs of shoes and a ton of jewelery , i am a simple girl easy to please and easy to love. Take care of me and I will return it a million times over. I put others before me way to often. You get between me and my son be ready to see god, i will not put up with that.
I love to have a good time and be with people who care about me. I love to learn about new things and will teach you about cattle if you let me. I just want to be loved for me and my crazy life. and if you love me, loving my son is part of the deal.
Well this is me TAKE it or LEAVE it. I will not give up my self again!!
I am a mommy to a very active, handful, very handsome, and what a blessing little boy. I am out going, lovable, caring, fun, crazy, Imperfect, daydreamer, smiling, loyal, hard working, hopeful, worrying person.
I love the outdoors, camping, hiking, swimming, skiing, fishing. I can shoot any type of weapon, I can change my own tire and rebuild it if i must. I can change my oil, make beer and wine, BBQ better then most guys, and make some killer smoked ribs.
I don't do my hair, wear make up often, or try to stay up with what is in style.
I like dates that are creative and not just movie and dinner all the time. I am still a kid at heart and like to color and eat with my hands. I love animals and would own a zoo if i could.
I am not in to having a million pairs of shoes and a ton of jewelery , i am a simple girl easy to please and easy to love. Take care of me and I will return it a million times over. I put others before me way to often. You get between me and my son be ready to see god, i will not put up with that.
I love to have a good time and be with people who care about me. I love to learn about new things and will teach you about cattle if you let me. I just want to be loved for me and my crazy life. and if you love me, loving my son is part of the deal.
Well this is me TAKE it or LEAVE it. I will not give up my self again!!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
He is My son's Father not Daddy
OK after following updates for the last few days about my friends brother and his little boy, it got me to thinking about my ex and how freaking unstable he is. How I am not looking forward to the day when he comes to get Wyatt for his first visitation. If he comes and gets Wyatt before the end of the year he gets to have him for 2 weeks and my BIGGEST fear is the ex will not bring my baby back to me. Mind you this is IF and When he does, but still after many endless nights of the ex telling me he was going to take Wyatt away and i will never see him again along with him being so emotionally unstable i think the ex would do something that stupid.
Not mention the ex texts me a lot but it is never to ask to talk to Wyatt about his selfish self. the last time he talked to Wyatt i had to guilt him in to it. and i Am not doing it anymore. If he loves his son he will show me but until then I am not saying a word anymore. I can see when he texts he still trying to control me and i am learning more and more to just not answer him, and it is getting easier and easier to do that. Oh he drives me crazy i wish he would just get the hint to give up and move on we are done. I am moving on and he is in the past along with all the hurt from him.
Not mention the ex texts me a lot but it is never to ask to talk to Wyatt about his selfish self. the last time he talked to Wyatt i had to guilt him in to it. and i Am not doing it anymore. If he loves his son he will show me but until then I am not saying a word anymore. I can see when he texts he still trying to control me and i am learning more and more to just not answer him, and it is getting easier and easier to do that. Oh he drives me crazy i wish he would just get the hint to give up and move on we are done. I am moving on and he is in the past along with all the hurt from him.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Seasons Of Love
So many years ago a great man tough me a song called " Seasons of Love", I fell in love with the song and it 's meaning. well a week ago I got to sing it one more time with dear close friends to celebrate his life and the wonderful things he showed us. And this got me to thinking about Iraq and me listen to this song so much that my roommate would groan when she would hear it.
I grew a deeper love for the song when i was deployed in Iraq. My job had me on the roads all night and sometimes half the day. Trying to spot IEDs and people trying to hurt or even kill us. I spent lots of hours thinking and wondering " If I do die here, what would be say and remember about me?", I could not come up with much but then again i was looking at form my side. But here I am with a chance to make great memories with my son, reconnecting with old friends that i have found out cared about me very much, and a chance to be the person I want to be.
I don't want to be remembered for my failures in life I want people to remember all the great laughs, tears, and time spent with me. I want MY son to always remember how strong, loving and caring of a person I am. I want the next man (if there is one) to love me for me and not waste time trying to change me, make loving memories with him. I want to enjoy life the best I can with my son beside me and who ever else wants to join us.
I want my life measured in LOVE, Laughter, and good time. http://youtu.be/cvMUI0KmKug i posted the us singing "seasons of love " one more time
I grew a deeper love for the song when i was deployed in Iraq. My job had me on the roads all night and sometimes half the day. Trying to spot IEDs and people trying to hurt or even kill us. I spent lots of hours thinking and wondering " If I do die here, what would be say and remember about me?", I could not come up with much but then again i was looking at form my side. But here I am with a chance to make great memories with my son, reconnecting with old friends that i have found out cared about me very much, and a chance to be the person I want to be.
I don't want to be remembered for my failures in life I want people to remember all the great laughs, tears, and time spent with me. I want MY son to always remember how strong, loving and caring of a person I am. I want the next man (if there is one) to love me for me and not waste time trying to change me, make loving memories with him. I want to enjoy life the best I can with my son beside me and who ever else wants to join us.
I want my life measured in LOVE, Laughter, and good time. http://youtu.be/cvMUI0KmKug i posted the us singing "seasons of love " one more time
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