Friday, July 26, 2013

Just Keep swimming

2 months ago I become mommy to 2 wonderful kiddos Little man and Miss T. Well the last 2 months have not been a piece of cake.  So much readjustment for everyone. Learning about  Hypothyroidism in an infant, and for the first month every other day a dr appt or blood test. Car ..... we will get to that in a min.

I have Wonderful family helping and there to talk when i need to and I can never replace them. MY red head sister and Miss T will always have a special bond since my sister got the honor to be the first one to hold her after she was born and I was in recovery. Little man Loves his sitter so much, but you can tell there are days he doesn't want her around or tired of her crying cause he goes " Mommy the baby is crying!" like i couldn't hear her LOL. Miss T has changed so much in 7 weeks from the time the dr told me about her Hypothyroidism and we started the meds. and yes I broke down crying I felt/feel bad my baby girl has this. Since I didn't know much about at first I was scared and not sure what would be in store for her. Now i know and feel a little better but it still hurts to see someone so little have to deal with all the blood draws and side effects to meds, but I have Faith. She is showing me how tough she already is and she going to be one little fighter.

Trying to explain to little man why we can't go to McD's or the zoo for a while cause the car died is hard. It does suck to have to be at the mercy of others. I guess this the universe  way  to keep teaching me to ask for help. Well I have news for you universe 1 out every 100 times i ask for help no one is there and keeps me scared to ask for help. I swear I do my best to not over do it and lately I feel bad for it but I don't know what else to do. and there has been a few that have helped me and I am so grateful to them. But for the 3rd and final time Helga the passat went to the shop and didn't come home. UGH!!!!!!  I really think the people who sold me the car even though i asked the right questions did some shift under hand crap to her just to sell her. Now she is going to the Junk yard and to Car heaven. At least i she got me around for a year but it was kind of rough at times.

Well as for me...... I am a ball of mess held together by thin strings ready to break at any time.. Being locked up in a house with no other adults is not good for me. And I sadly will talk anyone's ear off who will listen to me and then I walk away feeling bad for it. I would love to have a boyfriend but not seeing that ever happening again. I will admit i am jealous of people and the love they have, I am over here with nothing but a trail of pain and  heart break. I been trying so hard to work on myself  but you don't know what you need to work on if you can't be around people and socialize, So I still don't know what to fix.  Sigh, I know alot of you will tell me to keep my head up and the right person will come along, but if i could have you walk in my shoes for a week you would understand just a little why i feel like i do.

Yet with all this going on and yes I have days i want to lay down and give up. I don't I just Keep Swimming. Cause it not about me, I have my wonderful kiddos to help explore the world and make sure they become great people. I am trying my best and some days i don't think my best is that best.

I tell my babies we may not have a "daddy" to love us and we maybe broken but we are small and a good little family.