I have made peace today with a small part of my life that centers around Miss T.
I could be mad and hurt for the rest of my life at her sperm donor. I could go though the long drawn out process off making him pay when he wants nothing to do with her. So to save me the headache and heartache. I have CHOSE to just Thank Him!!
Yes say what you want, but this is best for us. Miss T has many people who love her and care for her. we have a great new man in our lives who loves use more then anything.
I want Miss T to be happy and have a wonderful Live. I can't give her that if i am always in the back of my mind wondering about what her sperm donor is and not doing, and why he doesn't want to talk to her. This way I can just focus on her and Little Man, but also not have the extra stress.
( i am already dealing with that extra stress).
In a simple Letter to him, I thank him for giving me Miss T. and that I chose to just thank him instead of being upset and mean to him. I wish him the best in his life. Cause he will never know the wonderfulness of Miss T.
Like i have said she is very well loved and happy little lady. She has brought much more joy and love to our family. She is amazing, loves her brother, and hard head little girl. I am very Blessed to call her my Daughter.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Friendship
You know something happen to me this week that got me thinking, What IS Friendship?
I always viewed friendship has having a person or people you can turn to talk to, share ideas and dream, talk out problems, create a bond and enjoy time with. and I still do.
IN the the last few years I have had people walk away and I have walked away from So called friends. I recently thought I had made a new friend but then quickly figured out she was not all she made her self out to be. special when her text said" i was "NICE" to you". Really ?! that is what you call friendship just being "Nice" to someone. WOW i guess i missed the memo that as a grown up that what counts as being a friend, OH wait it only is when you self centered. Got it ! On to my next thought.
I never been one to have a million friends but I always had my close friends and Best Friends. MY Best Friends Live in different States, back in my home town I have a few friends, and Then in this new Social Media I have FB friends I have never meet and may never meet.
You know I think a big part of my issue now in making friends as any adult is i hold people to higher stander like i did in the Army.
Only people who have served can understand the bond that is between service people. These are people you train with day and Night, You talk to, joke with with swap stuff out of MRE's, you trust your LIFE to these people. I am not saying it the perfect friendship, but it a very strong bond.
I have quite a few people I served with on my FB, some I deployed with: others we where all stationed together for years. I have Have Vets who served with the Unit i was with for the first few years of my time in the Army and because of that patch and how we feel for it gives us a bond. I would go back to war with these people and stand with them against the enemy once again. I cherish the bond I have with my fellow vets and Service people. It is something most people will never understand.
If civilians could feel what Military people feel for each other, I think many people would treat others better then they do now and slow down and enjoy life. I do understand there is always going to be people who no mater what are self centered, nasty, hateful.
I am not changing my View of what friendship should be or Lowering my standers. And once again to those who have stood by my Crazy Ass, I thank you and love you.
I always viewed friendship has having a person or people you can turn to talk to, share ideas and dream, talk out problems, create a bond and enjoy time with. and I still do.
IN the the last few years I have had people walk away and I have walked away from So called friends. I recently thought I had made a new friend but then quickly figured out she was not all she made her self out to be. special when her text said" i was "NICE" to you". Really ?! that is what you call friendship just being "Nice" to someone. WOW i guess i missed the memo that as a grown up that what counts as being a friend, OH wait it only is when you self centered. Got it ! On to my next thought.
I never been one to have a million friends but I always had my close friends and Best Friends. MY Best Friends Live in different States, back in my home town I have a few friends, and Then in this new Social Media I have FB friends I have never meet and may never meet.
You know I think a big part of my issue now in making friends as any adult is i hold people to higher stander like i did in the Army.
Only people who have served can understand the bond that is between service people. These are people you train with day and Night, You talk to, joke with with swap stuff out of MRE's, you trust your LIFE to these people. I am not saying it the perfect friendship, but it a very strong bond.
I have quite a few people I served with on my FB, some I deployed with: others we where all stationed together for years. I have Have Vets who served with the Unit i was with for the first few years of my time in the Army and because of that patch and how we feel for it gives us a bond. I would go back to war with these people and stand with them against the enemy once again. I cherish the bond I have with my fellow vets and Service people. It is something most people will never understand.
If civilians could feel what Military people feel for each other, I think many people would treat others better then they do now and slow down and enjoy life. I do understand there is always going to be people who no mater what are self centered, nasty, hateful.
I am not changing my View of what friendship should be or Lowering my standers. And once again to those who have stood by my Crazy Ass, I thank you and love you.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Just Keep swimming
2 months ago I become mommy to 2 wonderful kiddos Little man and Miss T. Well the last 2 months have not been a piece of cake. So much readjustment for everyone. Learning about Hypothyroidism in an infant, and for the first month every other day a dr appt or blood test. Car ..... we will get to that in a min.
I have Wonderful family helping and there to talk when i need to and I can never replace them. MY red head sister and Miss T will always have a special bond since my sister got the honor to be the first one to hold her after she was born and I was in recovery. Little man Loves his sitter so much, but you can tell there are days he doesn't want her around or tired of her crying cause he goes " Mommy the baby is crying!" like i couldn't hear her LOL. Miss T has changed so much in 7 weeks from the time the dr told me about her Hypothyroidism and we started the meds. and yes I broke down crying I felt/feel bad my baby girl has this. Since I didn't know much about at first I was scared and not sure what would be in store for her. Now i know and feel a little better but it still hurts to see someone so little have to deal with all the blood draws and side effects to meds, but I have Faith. She is showing me how tough she already is and she going to be one little fighter.
Trying to explain to little man why we can't go to McD's or the zoo for a while cause the car died is hard. It does suck to have to be at the mercy of others. I guess this the universe way to keep teaching me to ask for help. Well I have news for you universe 1 out every 100 times i ask for help no one is there and keeps me scared to ask for help. I swear I do my best to not over do it and lately I feel bad for it but I don't know what else to do. and there has been a few that have helped me and I am so grateful to them. But for the 3rd and final time Helga the passat went to the shop and didn't come home. UGH!!!!!! I really think the people who sold me the car even though i asked the right questions did some shift under hand crap to her just to sell her. Now she is going to the Junk yard and to Car heaven. At least i she got me around for a year but it was kind of rough at times.
Well as for me...... I am a ball of mess held together by thin strings ready to break at any time.. Being locked up in a house with no other adults is not good for me. And I sadly will talk anyone's ear off who will listen to me and then I walk away feeling bad for it. I would love to have a boyfriend but not seeing that ever happening again. I will admit i am jealous of people and the love they have, I am over here with nothing but a trail of pain and heart break. I been trying so hard to work on myself but you don't know what you need to work on if you can't be around people and socialize, So I still don't know what to fix. Sigh, I know alot of you will tell me to keep my head up and the right person will come along, but if i could have you walk in my shoes for a week you would understand just a little why i feel like i do.
Yet with all this going on and yes I have days i want to lay down and give up. I don't I just Keep Swimming. Cause it not about me, I have my wonderful kiddos to help explore the world and make sure they become great people. I am trying my best and some days i don't think my best is that best.
I tell my babies we may not have a "daddy" to love us and we maybe broken but we are small and a good little family.
I have Wonderful family helping and there to talk when i need to and I can never replace them. MY red head sister and Miss T will always have a special bond since my sister got the honor to be the first one to hold her after she was born and I was in recovery. Little man Loves his sitter so much, but you can tell there are days he doesn't want her around or tired of her crying cause he goes " Mommy the baby is crying!" like i couldn't hear her LOL. Miss T has changed so much in 7 weeks from the time the dr told me about her Hypothyroidism and we started the meds. and yes I broke down crying I felt/feel bad my baby girl has this. Since I didn't know much about at first I was scared and not sure what would be in store for her. Now i know and feel a little better but it still hurts to see someone so little have to deal with all the blood draws and side effects to meds, but I have Faith. She is showing me how tough she already is and she going to be one little fighter.
Trying to explain to little man why we can't go to McD's or the zoo for a while cause the car died is hard. It does suck to have to be at the mercy of others. I guess this the universe way to keep teaching me to ask for help. Well I have news for you universe 1 out every 100 times i ask for help no one is there and keeps me scared to ask for help. I swear I do my best to not over do it and lately I feel bad for it but I don't know what else to do. and there has been a few that have helped me and I am so grateful to them. But for the 3rd and final time Helga the passat went to the shop and didn't come home. UGH!!!!!! I really think the people who sold me the car even though i asked the right questions did some shift under hand crap to her just to sell her. Now she is going to the Junk yard and to Car heaven. At least i she got me around for a year but it was kind of rough at times.
Well as for me...... I am a ball of mess held together by thin strings ready to break at any time.. Being locked up in a house with no other adults is not good for me. And I sadly will talk anyone's ear off who will listen to me and then I walk away feeling bad for it. I would love to have a boyfriend but not seeing that ever happening again. I will admit i am jealous of people and the love they have, I am over here with nothing but a trail of pain and heart break. I been trying so hard to work on myself but you don't know what you need to work on if you can't be around people and socialize, So I still don't know what to fix. Sigh, I know alot of you will tell me to keep my head up and the right person will come along, but if i could have you walk in my shoes for a week you would understand just a little why i feel like i do.
Yet with all this going on and yes I have days i want to lay down and give up. I don't I just Keep Swimming. Cause it not about me, I have my wonderful kiddos to help explore the world and make sure they become great people. I am trying my best and some days i don't think my best is that best.
I tell my babies we may not have a "daddy" to love us and we maybe broken but we are small and a good little family.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Last Year
Wow other year has past. SO many Lessons learned both the hard and easy way. A lot people Left and I have made a few new friends.
I am so grateful for all the help I have been given this year from so many people. If it hasn't been for the VA helping us get a place to live, I could not image where Little man I would be right now. I am not saying the Last year has been easy far from it, But I am grateful for everything I have had help to get and have gotten on my own.
I have learned to enjoy being by myself and doing things on my own, not having to wait on people or try to make everyone else I am hanging out with happy. The only other person who i worry about making happy on a daily bases in Little Man, and he always is happy. When he is not here I do my best to get out of the house and do something, most of the time it just taking in a movie by myself. A friend at work always ask me if I Am going alone and i tell yes cause at least i can enjoy the movie in Peace.
Both our Birthday parties where failures in the sense I planned huge parties and no one came, But still good cause people we loved came to be with us. Next year small group get together with people who care about us.
I really love my family with helping out with Little man when i need a break or had no sitter ( which happens a lot). I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me. Also to be there and listen to me gripe and give me pointers when i need them. Just goes to Show no matter how old you are you still need your parents wisdom when you can see the answer your self.
I have so many hrs in the last thinking about my life and where i have been. I have put a lot of my past to bed and moved on it from it. I am not going to win awards for anything I do in my life I Am not prefect but I do try to live my life the best i can and make as many great wonderful memories with little man.
He too has come a long way this year in his speech and only in sleep does he stop talking. He loves Batman and super heroes. He loves being with Mommy and helping me when he can. He loves his grandparents, aunts and uncle. MY boy has such a big heart and it kills me to see him so sad when he talks about his " daddy". He just wants a man to love him as much I do.
I know One day a guy will walk into our lives and Love us more then we will ever know, but till then I will keep doing both rolls as mommy and daddy and enjoying every little spare min I can get with him, even if falles a sleep on me getting dinner LOL.
Well for the New year I Am going to find a job that is not in the Retail world LOL, get my butt out and make new friends, Little man will start preschool, I will get back in the gym, and keep making memories and enjoying my time with Little man.
I am so grateful for all the help I have been given this year from so many people. If it hasn't been for the VA helping us get a place to live, I could not image where Little man I would be right now. I am not saying the Last year has been easy far from it, But I am grateful for everything I have had help to get and have gotten on my own.
I have learned to enjoy being by myself and doing things on my own, not having to wait on people or try to make everyone else I am hanging out with happy. The only other person who i worry about making happy on a daily bases in Little Man, and he always is happy. When he is not here I do my best to get out of the house and do something, most of the time it just taking in a movie by myself. A friend at work always ask me if I Am going alone and i tell yes cause at least i can enjoy the movie in Peace.
Both our Birthday parties where failures in the sense I planned huge parties and no one came, But still good cause people we loved came to be with us. Next year small group get together with people who care about us.
I really love my family with helping out with Little man when i need a break or had no sitter ( which happens a lot). I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me. Also to be there and listen to me gripe and give me pointers when i need them. Just goes to Show no matter how old you are you still need your parents wisdom when you can see the answer your self.
I have so many hrs in the last thinking about my life and where i have been. I have put a lot of my past to bed and moved on it from it. I am not going to win awards for anything I do in my life I Am not prefect but I do try to live my life the best i can and make as many great wonderful memories with little man.
He too has come a long way this year in his speech and only in sleep does he stop talking. He loves Batman and super heroes. He loves being with Mommy and helping me when he can. He loves his grandparents, aunts and uncle. MY boy has such a big heart and it kills me to see him so sad when he talks about his " daddy". He just wants a man to love him as much I do.
I know One day a guy will walk into our lives and Love us more then we will ever know, but till then I will keep doing both rolls as mommy and daddy and enjoying every little spare min I can get with him, even if falles a sleep on me getting dinner LOL.
Well for the New year I Am going to find a job that is not in the Retail world LOL, get my butt out and make new friends, Little man will start preschool, I will get back in the gym, and keep making memories and enjoying my time with Little man.
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Past Year
Well the past year has not been easy by any means, but I have been making it though. I have had a lot of rough times and a lot of good times. I have had people walk out of my life and I have made new friends.
I have made a ton of mistakes but learned a lot too. I see how blessed I Am even though I am are struggling. I have a crazy 3year old who loves me like crazy and fur baby who loves me too. Yes things could be better but I am happy and that is all that really matters.
I have a Job it is not the best job in the world but in these rough times it is a job and one I just got Promoted at. I have started my own business and working to get more customers, and I won't give up.
I have said it before and I will say it again, Thank You to all who have stood by me though my crazy mood swings and crying like there is no tomorrow, who have helped in watching My little man so I can work and do the right thing, Who love me for ME, and not turning and walk away when it so easy to.
To those who have given up on me, You have no clue what your missing.
Here is to the Next year and the Adventures it will bring!!!
I have made a ton of mistakes but learned a lot too. I see how blessed I Am even though I am are struggling. I have a crazy 3year old who loves me like crazy and fur baby who loves me too. Yes things could be better but I am happy and that is all that really matters.
I have a Job it is not the best job in the world but in these rough times it is a job and one I just got Promoted at. I have started my own business and working to get more customers, and I won't give up.
I have said it before and I will say it again, Thank You to all who have stood by me though my crazy mood swings and crying like there is no tomorrow, who have helped in watching My little man so I can work and do the right thing, Who love me for ME, and not turning and walk away when it so easy to.
To those who have given up on me, You have no clue what your missing.
Here is to the Next year and the Adventures it will bring!!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The past year
Over the past year little man's and my worlds have been shaken up a lot, But now it seems to be settling out even in the face of moving again.
In the Last year Little man's personality has really bloomed. My little social bug enjoys being around people and making new friends. He loves going to the zoo, running around at the park, driving me crazy, helping me clean the house ( and making it a mess). He as gotten to spend lots of time with My family here in AZ and he loves them all. I can see my brother in him when My brother was this age (lord help me). I can't believe how well he speaks and amazed at how he sees the world. He makes me so proud and I love him to death. He is growing to be a great little man and I hope to keep helping guide him to stay that way.
Now as for me, I am still working on me but have learned a lot about my self and the people I can truly count on. I still have ups and downs but not has bad as before I went to the VA and let them help me. I am finally getting help I need between meds and Soon PTSD treatments. If it wasn't for the VA helping us get into a transition housing who know where we would be right now. I have wonderful Family and friends cheering me on. Yes things have not gone as plan but I still have my goal of a Fed job one day and so i will keep working to that goal.
I have days where i hate being alone and by myself with no other adults to talk to but I am getting use to it. Yes I talk to much when i meet new people but It is out of nerves and i am trying to work on it. But I Am a very strong, hard working, fun loving, love to learn and caring person. I have learned I don't need a guy to be happy, but would like to go on a date. I have become a sales person for Scentsy and trying to do my best at it to give us a better life. I can see a whole new future for us. A man may never be apart of our lives again but we are happy with it just being us. I am also just fine with him being my only child, for he was a blessing and true miracle for me.
Thank you so much to all who have helped us over the last year it has not been easy but I am grateful for you all =)
In the Last year Little man's personality has really bloomed. My little social bug enjoys being around people and making new friends. He loves going to the zoo, running around at the park, driving me crazy, helping me clean the house ( and making it a mess). He as gotten to spend lots of time with My family here in AZ and he loves them all. I can see my brother in him when My brother was this age (lord help me). I can't believe how well he speaks and amazed at how he sees the world. He makes me so proud and I love him to death. He is growing to be a great little man and I hope to keep helping guide him to stay that way.
Now as for me, I am still working on me but have learned a lot about my self and the people I can truly count on. I still have ups and downs but not has bad as before I went to the VA and let them help me. I am finally getting help I need between meds and Soon PTSD treatments. If it wasn't for the VA helping us get into a transition housing who know where we would be right now. I have wonderful Family and friends cheering me on. Yes things have not gone as plan but I still have my goal of a Fed job one day and so i will keep working to that goal.
I have days where i hate being alone and by myself with no other adults to talk to but I am getting use to it. Yes I talk to much when i meet new people but It is out of nerves and i am trying to work on it. But I Am a very strong, hard working, fun loving, love to learn and caring person. I have learned I don't need a guy to be happy, but would like to go on a date. I have become a sales person for Scentsy and trying to do my best at it to give us a better life. I can see a whole new future for us. A man may never be apart of our lives again but we are happy with it just being us. I am also just fine with him being my only child, for he was a blessing and true miracle for me.
Thank you so much to all who have helped us over the last year it has not been easy but I am grateful for you all =)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Technically still homeless...... Read to Understand
Ok I know what your all thinking but you guys have a place to live right? Well here is the deal while Yes we have a place to live that is our own, then again it is not our own. We live in transitional housing that the VA pays to help give Homeless Vets a place to get back on their feet and be able to move out on their own. We can stay here for Up to two years. and in this time i have a lot a goal to try and reach personal, by saving, getting a better job, and school.
A little info on where we live, First little man and I are the youngest ones here and was the first family to move to this site. The Organization is call Esperanza En Escalante they help give homeless vets these few places to live. they have two sites one by the air force base and the one I am at kind of in the middle of the city.
There are other vets here and all male I am the first Female vet for this site too. All the rules are written Military style, we have curfews but can get passes to stay out over night. Every Thursday the case worker here come and checks to see if we are keeping our places clean. It does have a military over tone to it. But we are free to live our lives as long as we stay with in the rules which are nothing crazy. So it is nice.
The reason VA still looks at us as Homeless is cause we are not paying the rent on our own, The VA is. and for some of you, you know I had a hard time swallowing that is what I am a Homeless Vet, but i am thankful for finding a The VA homeless Worker that i found, he has helped get us in here, if it was for not going though this path who know where little man and i would be right now.
So yes I am still Homeless in the Eyes of the VA, but we have a safe warm place to live till we get on our feet and completely on our own. =)
A little info on where we live, First little man and I are the youngest ones here and was the first family to move to this site. The Organization is call Esperanza En Escalante they help give homeless vets these few places to live. they have two sites one by the air force base and the one I am at kind of in the middle of the city.
There are other vets here and all male I am the first Female vet for this site too. All the rules are written Military style, we have curfews but can get passes to stay out over night. Every Thursday the case worker here come and checks to see if we are keeping our places clean. It does have a military over tone to it. But we are free to live our lives as long as we stay with in the rules which are nothing crazy. So it is nice.
The reason VA still looks at us as Homeless is cause we are not paying the rent on our own, The VA is. and for some of you, you know I had a hard time swallowing that is what I am a Homeless Vet, but i am thankful for finding a The VA homeless Worker that i found, he has helped get us in here, if it was for not going though this path who know where little man and i would be right now.
So yes I am still Homeless in the Eyes of the VA, but we have a safe warm place to live till we get on our feet and completely on our own. =)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
New Beinging
Ok so it has been a while since i wrote. Now Little man and me have our own place and loving it. He has been doing well sleeping in his room and helping around the house. He loves to help sweep and mop, he will most of the time put his plate away in the kitchen. He loves having his own space and me not yelling at him every few mins cause he doesn't understand the rules.
As for me I love having my own place is really nice. I have thing in places where i can find them, and i am not super stress all the time. Big part of it is i am not feeding off others energy. Minus the last few days of me being sick I have done a good job keeping my house picked up. Cause once again I don't have someone stealing my energy and motivation. for such a small apt it feel so big to me. I guess it would going from living in a one bedroom house last year to bedrooms with little man, me and our stuff all in there. I have noticed i don't watch much tv. anymore Tuesday nights is about it, I need to get my NCIS fix. Once little man goes to bed I turn on Pandora radio do homework or play dumb games while having a cup of tea before i go to bed.
I know we still have a long road head, but i feel good for the first time in a long time we are heading the right way. The way we ended up in our place was a blessing waiting to be made known. I have been making new friends and found a renewed love for VWs in the process. making me wanting to learn about them. I am learning it is ok to be by my self for as much as it sucks doing stuff on my own and enjoying me, something I have not done in a long time. I am loving my back ground of being German and Irish. I have gone out with help from a friend got my tattoo I have been wanting for so long and enjoy showing it off and can't wait to get other someday. I feel free to be who i am and who i was ment to be. I not changing for anyone, I stand by it if you can't love me for my crazy, sometime annoying self and my crazy son then you don't need to be in our lives. we have come a long way in a short time, with a ton of room to grow, explore, and enjoy life. <3
As for me I love having my own place is really nice. I have thing in places where i can find them, and i am not super stress all the time. Big part of it is i am not feeding off others energy. Minus the last few days of me being sick I have done a good job keeping my house picked up. Cause once again I don't have someone stealing my energy and motivation. for such a small apt it feel so big to me. I guess it would going from living in a one bedroom house last year to bedrooms with little man, me and our stuff all in there. I have noticed i don't watch much tv. anymore Tuesday nights is about it, I need to get my NCIS fix. Once little man goes to bed I turn on Pandora radio do homework or play dumb games while having a cup of tea before i go to bed.
I know we still have a long road head, but i feel good for the first time in a long time we are heading the right way. The way we ended up in our place was a blessing waiting to be made known. I have been making new friends and found a renewed love for VWs in the process. making me wanting to learn about them. I am learning it is ok to be by my self for as much as it sucks doing stuff on my own and enjoying me, something I have not done in a long time. I am loving my back ground of being German and Irish. I have gone out with help from a friend got my tattoo I have been wanting for so long and enjoy showing it off and can't wait to get other someday. I feel free to be who i am and who i was ment to be. I not changing for anyone, I stand by it if you can't love me for my crazy, sometime annoying self and my crazy son then you don't need to be in our lives. we have come a long way in a short time, with a ton of room to grow, explore, and enjoy life. <3
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Unknown
I am not a fan of it. I know Life is full of Unknowns. But right Now I have a ton of it and it is making me crazy. I don't know when i will get my own place for Little man and me. I don't know how long i will have to struggle to find sitters on the weekend so i can work, I don't know if DES will help me out with childcare, food stamps. I am having a hell of a time trying to get us both on a schedule that will be nice. I don't know how i am going to hand being in a house with just me and little man, and the list goes on and on.
I know it not the end of the world but the anxiety of it all is getting to me and i feel like i am losing control, i feel like am already chasing everyone way already and i have not been back home very long. I just want something kind of stable is that to much to ask for I guess so. =(
I know it not the end of the world but the anxiety of it all is getting to me and i feel like i am losing control, i feel like am already chasing everyone way already and i have not been back home very long. I just want something kind of stable is that to much to ask for I guess so. =(
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Dear EX....
Dear Ex,
You are worthless and not deserving the title daddy or father. You are just the the guy who gave me my wonderful Son. Little man asks for you and it breaks my heart cause he doesn't understand you will never see him again, because your are self center and a child. You can't even call him cause I hurt your feelings, Really are you 12 years old and can't be a Fucking Man. Oh wait you will Never Be a Man after what you did to me. MY son will not turn out Like you. He will strong, good to women, outgoing, gentle, and sweet. Everything your not. I see i am the right choice moving back to Arizona, I have great male friends That will be better role models then you are. I can teach him anything a dad can. And If I have no clue I have many friends and family to call on for help. It kills me to see you do this to a Third kid, but I know in the end you are not meant to be a father.
As for me, I have scars and tender spots that may never heal completely. The scar on my forehead is the one that brings the memories back so easily. Of all the nights I thought "this is it, I may not see morning or my son again." All the nights of taking a beating by your fist, whipped by Apex Pipe to the point I was going to pass out, Hitting me with anything you could find, and Last Hitting me and hold me at gun point. Secretly that night you held the gun to me then to your self wish you had pulled the trigger you had it on yourself, then you would be out of our lives, it would be easier to deal with little man asking for you. I regret Not having you tossed in jail for what you did to me. But for all the stupid decision I made the right one the day I ran out the back door fearing for my life and having the cops there when I came to get little man. When I found out you had broke 2 of my ribs it sealed all my choice and decisions for me, that it was time to leave Casper and not look back. People ask me how I did not know you broke 2 of my ribs, it was easy when the fight or flight is always on you just become numb.
Out of all the People who have hurt me in my life I Truly Hate you, others I have forgiven and moved on, but you I will always hate. Not just cause of the hurt and pain I have been though but the pain hurt your son will have to deal with growing up. But I am already thinking a head about that and when I find a guy worth being in my life he will be worth being in little mans life and be the father and Daddy you will never be to him. I am dealing with this well Being open and Honest with what happen has helped me heal, maybe you should try that sometime it really helps. I wish you would never pop in my thoughts and i know over time that will happen but for now, I just deal with them and tell my self I am a Better person with out you and always will be!!!
You are worthless and not deserving the title daddy or father. You are just the the guy who gave me my wonderful Son. Little man asks for you and it breaks my heart cause he doesn't understand you will never see him again, because your are self center and a child. You can't even call him cause I hurt your feelings, Really are you 12 years old and can't be a Fucking Man. Oh wait you will Never Be a Man after what you did to me. MY son will not turn out Like you. He will strong, good to women, outgoing, gentle, and sweet. Everything your not. I see i am the right choice moving back to Arizona, I have great male friends That will be better role models then you are. I can teach him anything a dad can. And If I have no clue I have many friends and family to call on for help. It kills me to see you do this to a Third kid, but I know in the end you are not meant to be a father.
As for me, I have scars and tender spots that may never heal completely. The scar on my forehead is the one that brings the memories back so easily. Of all the nights I thought "this is it, I may not see morning or my son again." All the nights of taking a beating by your fist, whipped by Apex Pipe to the point I was going to pass out, Hitting me with anything you could find, and Last Hitting me and hold me at gun point. Secretly that night you held the gun to me then to your self wish you had pulled the trigger you had it on yourself, then you would be out of our lives, it would be easier to deal with little man asking for you. I regret Not having you tossed in jail for what you did to me. But for all the stupid decision I made the right one the day I ran out the back door fearing for my life and having the cops there when I came to get little man. When I found out you had broke 2 of my ribs it sealed all my choice and decisions for me, that it was time to leave Casper and not look back. People ask me how I did not know you broke 2 of my ribs, it was easy when the fight or flight is always on you just become numb.
Out of all the People who have hurt me in my life I Truly Hate you, others I have forgiven and moved on, but you I will always hate. Not just cause of the hurt and pain I have been though but the pain hurt your son will have to deal with growing up. But I am already thinking a head about that and when I find a guy worth being in my life he will be worth being in little mans life and be the father and Daddy you will never be to him. I am dealing with this well Being open and Honest with what happen has helped me heal, maybe you should try that sometime it really helps. I wish you would never pop in my thoughts and i know over time that will happen but for now, I just deal with them and tell my self I am a Better person with out you and always will be!!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Promise MY Little Man
Dear Little Man,
I am sorry your farther has not called you in a few weeks and you keep asking for him. I know right now you have no clue what is going on, but you do know mom is here for you. I am go to work for a few hours but i always come back to get you. I am sorry your farther puts him self a head of you and has done so since you were born. But always Know this no matter how mad you get me, how much i want to kill you, or how much you drive me crazy........I Love You very much and would not give you up for the world.
I Promise you that we will make it and have a wonderful life. And some where down the road WE will have a daddy who will love us both and be very happy. He will teach you how to work on cars, camping, fishing, and to shoot. You will go to him for advise about girls cause it to weird to ask me.
And if that never happens I will teach you to camp, fish , and shoot. We will make life time memories of having fun and great adventures. I will make sure you always have good male figures in your life to talk too for those times you feel weird talking to me. We will be find and you will turn out to be amazing MAN.
My Little Man you will understand one day why we had to leave Wyoming and your farther behind. I love you so very Much.
Love Your Mommy
I am sorry your farther has not called you in a few weeks and you keep asking for him. I know right now you have no clue what is going on, but you do know mom is here for you. I am go to work for a few hours but i always come back to get you. I am sorry your farther puts him self a head of you and has done so since you were born. But always Know this no matter how mad you get me, how much i want to kill you, or how much you drive me crazy........I Love You very much and would not give you up for the world.
I Promise you that we will make it and have a wonderful life. And some where down the road WE will have a daddy who will love us both and be very happy. He will teach you how to work on cars, camping, fishing, and to shoot. You will go to him for advise about girls cause it to weird to ask me.
And if that never happens I will teach you to camp, fish , and shoot. We will make life time memories of having fun and great adventures. I will make sure you always have good male figures in your life to talk too for those times you feel weird talking to me. We will be find and you will turn out to be amazing MAN.
My Little Man you will understand one day why we had to leave Wyoming and your farther behind. I love you so very Much.
Love Your Mommy
My birthday goals for my 30th
I want to have a good paying job that allows me to care for wyatt and me on my own.
start saving money
Be living on in a place just my little family (that includes my dogs)
Get in shape and lose 15-20lbs
Be HAPPY
Lean to Relax and enjoy life
Make fun memories with Wyatt
Have More Mommy alone time
start saving money
Be living on in a place just my little family (that includes my dogs)
Get in shape and lose 15-20lbs
Be HAPPY
Lean to Relax and enjoy life
Make fun memories with Wyatt
Have More Mommy alone time
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
This is ME
OK since i left my ex I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I Am and I think i am coming close to finding out and this it what i have come up with so far.
I am a mommy to a very active, handful, very handsome, and what a blessing little boy. I am out going, lovable, caring, fun, crazy, Imperfect, daydreamer, smiling, loyal, hard working, hopeful, worrying person.
I love the outdoors, camping, hiking, swimming, skiing, fishing. I can shoot any type of weapon, I can change my own tire and rebuild it if i must. I can change my oil, make beer and wine, BBQ better then most guys, and make some killer smoked ribs.
I don't do my hair, wear make up often, or try to stay up with what is in style.
I like dates that are creative and not just movie and dinner all the time. I am still a kid at heart and like to color and eat with my hands. I love animals and would own a zoo if i could.
I am not in to having a million pairs of shoes and a ton of jewelery , i am a simple girl easy to please and easy to love. Take care of me and I will return it a million times over. I put others before me way to often. You get between me and my son be ready to see god, i will not put up with that.
I love to have a good time and be with people who care about me. I love to learn about new things and will teach you about cattle if you let me. I just want to be loved for me and my crazy life. and if you love me, loving my son is part of the deal.
Well this is me TAKE it or LEAVE it. I will not give up my self again!!
I am a mommy to a very active, handful, very handsome, and what a blessing little boy. I am out going, lovable, caring, fun, crazy, Imperfect, daydreamer, smiling, loyal, hard working, hopeful, worrying person.
I love the outdoors, camping, hiking, swimming, skiing, fishing. I can shoot any type of weapon, I can change my own tire and rebuild it if i must. I can change my oil, make beer and wine, BBQ better then most guys, and make some killer smoked ribs.
I don't do my hair, wear make up often, or try to stay up with what is in style.
I like dates that are creative and not just movie and dinner all the time. I am still a kid at heart and like to color and eat with my hands. I love animals and would own a zoo if i could.
I am not in to having a million pairs of shoes and a ton of jewelery , i am a simple girl easy to please and easy to love. Take care of me and I will return it a million times over. I put others before me way to often. You get between me and my son be ready to see god, i will not put up with that.
I love to have a good time and be with people who care about me. I love to learn about new things and will teach you about cattle if you let me. I just want to be loved for me and my crazy life. and if you love me, loving my son is part of the deal.
Well this is me TAKE it or LEAVE it. I will not give up my self again!!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
He is My son's Father not Daddy
OK after following updates for the last few days about my friends brother and his little boy, it got me to thinking about my ex and how freaking unstable he is. How I am not looking forward to the day when he comes to get Wyatt for his first visitation. If he comes and gets Wyatt before the end of the year he gets to have him for 2 weeks and my BIGGEST fear is the ex will not bring my baby back to me. Mind you this is IF and When he does, but still after many endless nights of the ex telling me he was going to take Wyatt away and i will never see him again along with him being so emotionally unstable i think the ex would do something that stupid.
Not mention the ex texts me a lot but it is never to ask to talk to Wyatt about his selfish self. the last time he talked to Wyatt i had to guilt him in to it. and i Am not doing it anymore. If he loves his son he will show me but until then I am not saying a word anymore. I can see when he texts he still trying to control me and i am learning more and more to just not answer him, and it is getting easier and easier to do that. Oh he drives me crazy i wish he would just get the hint to give up and move on we are done. I am moving on and he is in the past along with all the hurt from him.
Not mention the ex texts me a lot but it is never to ask to talk to Wyatt about his selfish self. the last time he talked to Wyatt i had to guilt him in to it. and i Am not doing it anymore. If he loves his son he will show me but until then I am not saying a word anymore. I can see when he texts he still trying to control me and i am learning more and more to just not answer him, and it is getting easier and easier to do that. Oh he drives me crazy i wish he would just get the hint to give up and move on we are done. I am moving on and he is in the past along with all the hurt from him.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Seasons Of Love
So many years ago a great man tough me a song called " Seasons of Love", I fell in love with the song and it 's meaning. well a week ago I got to sing it one more time with dear close friends to celebrate his life and the wonderful things he showed us. And this got me to thinking about Iraq and me listen to this song so much that my roommate would groan when she would hear it.
I grew a deeper love for the song when i was deployed in Iraq. My job had me on the roads all night and sometimes half the day. Trying to spot IEDs and people trying to hurt or even kill us. I spent lots of hours thinking and wondering " If I do die here, what would be say and remember about me?", I could not come up with much but then again i was looking at form my side. But here I am with a chance to make great memories with my son, reconnecting with old friends that i have found out cared about me very much, and a chance to be the person I want to be.
I don't want to be remembered for my failures in life I want people to remember all the great laughs, tears, and time spent with me. I want MY son to always remember how strong, loving and caring of a person I am. I want the next man (if there is one) to love me for me and not waste time trying to change me, make loving memories with him. I want to enjoy life the best I can with my son beside me and who ever else wants to join us.
I want my life measured in LOVE, Laughter, and good time. http://youtu.be/cvMUI0KmKug i posted the us singing "seasons of love " one more time
I grew a deeper love for the song when i was deployed in Iraq. My job had me on the roads all night and sometimes half the day. Trying to spot IEDs and people trying to hurt or even kill us. I spent lots of hours thinking and wondering " If I do die here, what would be say and remember about me?", I could not come up with much but then again i was looking at form my side. But here I am with a chance to make great memories with my son, reconnecting with old friends that i have found out cared about me very much, and a chance to be the person I want to be.
I don't want to be remembered for my failures in life I want people to remember all the great laughs, tears, and time spent with me. I want MY son to always remember how strong, loving and caring of a person I am. I want the next man (if there is one) to love me for me and not waste time trying to change me, make loving memories with him. I want to enjoy life the best I can with my son beside me and who ever else wants to join us.
I want my life measured in LOVE, Laughter, and good time. http://youtu.be/cvMUI0KmKug i posted the us singing "seasons of love " one more time
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